Throat

Toppy texts me links to porn videos. The first one was so gross, I had to shut it down. I kept seeing the image of the woman lying upside down on the couch, her mouth open and drooling as a cock slammed her throat over and over. A guy with tattooed inner arms slapping her face. Tears. Vomit. Snot. Disgusting. I was outraged. I fucked myself to that image.

He keeps sending the videos and I keep looking at them. Now I’m stroking myself as I watch a guy headlocking a woman. She can’t breathe. He’s calling her names: slut, whore, stupid cunt. I have a huge orgasm. Imagine myself in this scenario. Fuck, I’d probably die of claustrophobia.

What’s his purpose? Why is he sending these to me? He doesn’t say anything. Just sends links to increasingly violent and repulsive videos. Fuck, it’s making me hot.

I walk down the street and see a man, wonder what it would be like if he just forced me to kneel right there on the street, unzipped his pants,  grabbed my nostrils so my mouth opened. Made me take his cock deep. He gives me a knowing leer. I walk quickly on.

In my bedroom at home, I slap my face. I look at the red handprints in the bathroom mirror. I wish for a much harder slap. I stare at men’s large hands on the bus. My cunt is soaked, thinking about how strong they look. How much damage they could do. How he could make me do anything he wants.

Toppy sends me a video of a bunch of guys taking turns throat fucking some chick. She has to spit the drool and vomit into a red dog dish in between cocks. She’s wearing a dog collar. A guy wraps his hand around her neck. It’s so awful I want to look away but I can’t. Another guy spits right into her mouth. My cunt goes crazy. I’m writhing on my chair, grinding my hips against the leather. Another guy calls her a dumb fuck and slaps her tits. I go to bed, remove my clothes, grab my vibrator and rub my clit until I’ve spewed cunt juice all over the bed.

This happens over a period of about two weeks. An onslaught of awful videos, girls being abused. In some of them, they interview the women, well-known porn actresses. They talk about how much they love being demolished by a big cock. Mascara runs down their faces. Their lips are bruised.

In the next video a woman is wearing a cowbell. Every time she is slapped or throat fucked, the cowbell rings. The guy, whose face you never see, tells her he wants to hear that cowbell ring. He wants to hear her moo. He pinches her nipples hard when she doesn’t do what he says. He makes fun of her when she doesn’t do it right. Calls her a heifer. I ache. What kind of a fucked up slut am I? I yearn to be treated this way.

I ask men on line hook up sites to send me photos of their cocks, the bigger the better. So that I can imagine choking on these cocks. Imagine them slapping my face with their dicks. I don’t meet though. I’m too fucking scared. If they like this kind of thing, they could really hurt me. I tremble in arousal and fear. Eventually arousal wins.

I fuck myself all hours of the day and night, desperate for it. I think of begging Toppy to set something up. I want to be nothing but a throat to be fucked. I want to be slapped. Mocked. Laughed at. I want to be degraded.

Toppy keeps sending me videos. A woman is made to mop up her own drool and vomit with her long blonde hair. She wrings it out into the red dog dish. A man sticks his boot on her head while she is on all fours on her hands and knees, being fucked by another man from behind.

I feel so terrible about myself. What kind of woman wants this kind of treatment. Or gets off to seeing this sort of thing. It’s shameful. And Toppy hasn’t said one word to me, but I’ve figured out what he’s doing. This is training for me. He knows eventually I’ll beg him to set something up. Beg to be throat fucked. To be nothing but a throat.

I buy an eight inch dildo from the sex shop, not too wide, so I can take it in. I relax my throat. I take a deep breath. I slide the dildo into my mouth, taking it deeper and deeper until I gag. I try it again. My eyes are watering. I imagine a guy is yelling at me to swallow his cock.  My throat’s starting to feel sore, but I keep going. I can feel the dildo pushing into my esophagus. Take a look in the mirror. The dick distorts my face. I look so ugly. I imagine a man telling me what a fucking ugly bitch I am.

I part my legs. I’m so turned on. The dildo is soaked with my spit. I push it into my cunt and hump myself against the bathroom cupboard, holding the dick with one hand and squeezing a nipple with the other. I stop and walk  into the bedroom, lie on the bed on my stomach and hump the bed with the dildo inside my cunt.

When I’m done coming, I text Toppy: I’m ready. That’s all I need to write. I know he’ll set something up. I receive a smiley face in return.